Are You A Distant mother?

Are You A Distant mother?

Mom, you have been busy today, but I could FEEL you all day”. Strong words from my 10-year old son. He is a very sensitive, conscious and (dare I say?) spiritual child. Well, since he appreciates the joy of being able to FEEL his mother, he must have experienced the opposite – The distant version of me.
Let me tell you about the biggest taboo in my life (well one of them, anyway). The secret of the inner, distant ice queen in me.  I have to share how being distant affected my health and immune system as well as my childrens well-being.

I want to give you the tips that increased the love, peace, presence and connection in my little family (me + 2 children). And teach you how to create ZEN everyday – no matter how busy and chaotic your life is…

This is a confession.
I have been distant.
I have been too busy checking mails, multi-tasking and text-messaging to prove my worth as an over-achiever. Little did I know that my endocrine system and my children had to pay the price for my inavailability.

This is why I am extra super grateful to hear that my son feels connected to me. Even when I am busy.  I want to share how I changed and give you some inside tips on how to stay present, warm and supportive – even when you are busy. I am going to hand you some valuable information on what happens biologically and emotionally in women and children when mom gets too busy to maintain eye-contact, be present and remain patient. In fact – most busy women (like me) snap or yell at their children and feel guilty about it. With good reason, because the effect is both dramatic and traumatic for both mother and child.


When I was too busy, my brain felt fried, my nervous system went into fight and flight mode. And I was extremely overwhelmed. Consequence: The children were in the way. They irritated me with their need for attention, love, affection and noises. And I ended up shouting and yelling at them.
When we unconsciously turn our back on the children, because we are busy, we seem to be emotionally unavailable, and it causes a biochemical stress-reaction in the rejected child´s body. It raises cortisol and if the stress continues, so does the emergency situation in the body.

Why? Because, instinctly, a child knows that his survival lies in the hands of his mother. Babies and baby animals have one thing in common. If they don’t receive love and affection – they die or they get very sick. Even if they are well fed and warm. Affection is life-saving. So what happens instinctly in the mind and body of a rejected child? Unconsciously, it is a near-death experience. And the body reacts accordingly. Stress hormones go bananas as well as the blood-sugar. The immune system is affected and the child is now  sensitive to auto-immune diseases.


Warm welcome every morning
Get up before your children and light some candles. Dried, white sage is very helpful to create a sacred space. Light it up and let the smoke fill the room. No music, computers or TV. When the children wake up, you receive them as honered guests and express through body language and whispers how happy you are to see them. Hug them and remain eye-contact and a soft, feminine presence. Children need to be seen and they need to feel loved. If you devote 5 minutes to presence, they don´t have to scream and tease to get your attention during the day.

Eye contact
Don´t talk to your child with your back turned against him. Commit to at least 3 – 4 conversations with your child daily with genuine presence and eye contact. It is a great investment. You connect and it calms down the nervous system for both of you. This is beneficial for both immune- system, metabolism and the deep connection between you. It also make you feel the love for each-other and the child feels valued.

Silence in the house
In my home, we have a box for the mobile phones. We put them in the box and turn of the computer in the evening or late afternoon. The benefit is the silence and the peace ( a rare experience in modern society). Even better: We get to talk about how we feel, go for a walk or even get bored. I think it is a great way to de-stress and deal with the experiences of the day.

Meditation and gratitude
We have 2 rituals that we all treasure. Every morning we sit in silence before breakfast for 5 – 15 minutes. And every evening we write in our grateful log. At least 5 things that we are grateful for that specific day. Both zen-activities calms down the nervous system and the monkey mind. And I can feel a huge difference in my childrens behavior and my well-being when we stick to this routine.

PS: Ok, your turn – are you brave enough to admit your hidden ice-queen secrets? – or even better – do you have some great zen-tips for  women, that you can share with us?

Love – Ninka

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